Listen to what your partner feels, even before they felt it

Michael and I were sitting on the deck by the hot tub, watching the light shift over the lake. I’d invited him out to catch the sunset together. It was lovely. It was also cramped, because the hot tub takes up nearly the whole deck.

I let myself feel how much I wanted to just relax out there, spread out, actually use the space. And I realized the hot tub hasn’t gotten much use in a couple of years. It’s become more of a nice idea than a real habit.

Then I pictured the deck without it. A table, some chairs, a couple of chaise lounges. Me out there most days the weather allowed. It felt wonderful.

And right behind that feeling came a small knot in my stomach, because I know Michael loves the hot tub, and loves it every time he actually gets in. So I slowed my breathing, thought through how I wanted to bring this up, and made sure I could share it without needing him to agree.

I shared. He listened. He could see where the vision came from, and even see the appeal. It also brought up something for him: his wish that we used the hot tub more. Fair. He wasn’t ready to let it go, but he was willing to sit with the idea.

We agreed to keep talking about it over the next couple of weeks, and we wanted to do that in a way that left us both feeling supported, no matter where we landed.

So we leaned on a practice we’ve been using lately. I make space for all of Michael’s feelings about the hot tub, his wish that it got used more, whatever comes up about the idea of losing it. I meet that with empathy, and from there I can actually support him. He does the same for me: asking more about my vision for the deck, understanding what’s underneath it.

What we’ve found is that when each of us takes up the other’s desire like it’s our own, we both feel safe enough to say what’s true. From there we just keep talking, keep getting creative, until we find our way somewhere good.

We haven’t decided anything about the hot tub yet. But we built a space where we both feel respected, and that’s worth more than the answer.

The lesson is to find the space for all your partner’s feelings that are different than yours. Even when they are in opposition. Then let your shared sense of Being Partners in the Great Adventure of Life lead the way.

Michael & Penny